Dear Mike King,

Here are the ten steps to guarantee Government funding for your Gumboot Friday programme:

1. Change your charity into a gang but call it a “community organisation”.

2. Designate your new gang headquarters as a marae.

3. Hire a media savvy female spokesperson.

4. Do not offer your effective mental health programme to the Government.

5. Instead, commit a few crimes to increase mental health issues.

6. Then, offer to fix the problems you largely created.

7. The Government will come to you with $3 million of taxpayer money.

8. Repeat steps 4-7 until the public purse is exhausted.

9. Get a compliant MP to call the Government’s treatment of gangs “racist”.

10. Public purse re-opens. Sorted. Aroha, Taxpayers’ Union (We really do love your work.)

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