Dear Mike King,
Here are the ten steps to guarantee Government funding for your Gumboot Friday programme:
1. Change your charity into a gang but call it a “community organisation”.
2. Designate your new gang headquarters as a marae.
3. Hire a media savvy female spokesperson.
4. Do not offer your effective mental health programme to the Government.
5. Instead, commit a few crimes to increase mental health issues.
6. Then, offer to fix the problems you largely created.
7. The Government will come to you with $3 million of taxpayer money.
8. Repeat steps 4-7 until the public purse is exhausted.
9. Get a compliant MP to call the Government’s treatment of gangs “racist”.
10. Public purse re-opens. Sorted. Aroha, Taxpayers’ Union (We really do love your work.)